The Joint Family System

Nowadays due to jobs, career, education or some or the other reason we have to distance from our families at quite an early age! And once we step of the house maximum is the case that you only return back on functions or occasions and with time that too vanishes!

Joint family is being like rarest scenarios in today’s era! Just tried why joint families are not preferred – simple reasons being – youngsters of our generation need freedom, privacy and hate being monitored!

But these are just a few points where we focus on and tend to forget the benefits or rather the perks of staying in a joint family! Perks are as many as you count. Highlighting a few – a mental support – COVID has tested our mental strength at its peak! And most of the nuclear families did choose going back to hometowns – why – simple reason – family makes you stronger, it makes you believe in yourself when you lose hopes! Family stands by you when your shadow too choses to leave your side!

Feeling of being responsible and answerable to our elders – even the feeling of your father/mother being back at home makes you a little more responsible to be with your family on weekends, to be there at home on time, to shut your system and spend quality time with the kids of family! Decisions taken by youth are hard and fast – many a times we lack patience and calmness in deciding for a situation which can be guided well by the elders as they have seen a little more of world and worldly things than us! We as youth tend to splurge on things which are scrapped within a month whereas the same luxuries can be availed from available things at home!

Children born in nuclear family where both parents have their corporate lifestyles – are either brought up in creche or somewhere where supervision lacks love and warmth every child deserves. Whereas grandparents back at home face loneliness in their retired life – when these two ends meet – they make a better life – kids enjoy their childhood under the shelter of family and are brought up with values. Though working parents try making their best possible way out to train their kids but ultimately time is their constraint which gradually makes one parent compromise their career – and easiest solution being joint family – where kids are constantly attended by some one or the other and grandparents are taken care of with their health as well as. The retired age being the time they just need love, affection and respect is also paid heed to.

And lastly though not of prime importance but yes it does matter – We do have upper hand on financial terms as well – Something described as economies of scale – Two different set ups for sure is costlier than a single set up for two families. Expenses being shared (as simple as rent being shared by two brothers surely saves huge cost then two brothers staying in different apartments in same city) and labour being divided joint family does make your off days a little lighter.

There can be unavoidable situations where we travel far from families but there must be something which does call you back to your origin – where your heart longs to celebrate smallest victory with your parents and share biggest failures and have strength to stand back more stronger!

Of course, there can be arguments that there is no individual space or there is no privacy but then like we as children have evolved many of the families do have parents who themselves take initiatives to make sure that their daughters and daughters-in-law peacefully work and build their careers! Many have set examples where girls have completed their education post marriage and give credits to the support received from their in-laws. So with modernization in all matters – let us just broaden our horizons of joint family concept – where parents are being a little more open to accept the work culture of their children (be it the son or daughter or even daughter-in-law for that matter) and children being a little tolerant to parents at times when they become to instructive, where parents are little more welcoming to include every person before deciding matters of family and children are matured enough to understand the thought process of parents’ decision

After all – everything is a two-way process – the more love and care you give the more affection and respect you receive. The more you tend to understand someone the more other person tends to explain reasons!

I would just conclude by – “No Family is perfect, every family argues, they fight, they cry but the essence of love and bond is felt when the tears are wiped with sensitivity and arguments are calmed with pure hugs, no family has only ups the real bonds are tested when there are downfalls, when your brother stands by you in storms and sisters cook on your smallest victory, where you celebrate your wife’s first job with home-cooked lunch specially made by the in-laws and the ice cream party with her first salary and your child’s first trophy is flaunted by his grandparents on their whatsapp friends’ group!

It’s the smallest happiness which turns to delicious evenings and loads of memories when family stays together! Joint families are no more the old-school types where daughters aren’t a part of discussions and daughters’-in-law aren’t allowed to step out of the house. Weekend evenings are fast turning to dining table conferences where women head the table and men cook food [though kitchen are made messy but then that’s okay ;)], where the small terrace gardens are cared with full family and kitchens are cleaned by kids. Yes – joint families are changing on a very positive note!

#Smile and Spread Smiles

Dawn of Optimism

The Pandemic has spread its jaws tight in the second wave in India – attacking not only the physical health of the citizens but also affecting the mental fitness. 

Everyone out has lost someone either in the family or locality – which has just aired the fire of negativity. Deep inside all of us are craving for thoughts of affirmations, for positivity, for an ounce of hope towards better tomorrow! I couldn’t be luckier in choosing “Viktor Frankl’s” Man’s search for meaning randomly to get this little bit of “hope”

The author being a Nazi Concentration camp survivor has beautifully explained the psychological state of humans in every phases of life – through the ups and downs. Jotting down a few of them which actually threw light on the optimistic sight in me. (Hope it serves you right)

  • One instance which an author recalls in a talk where he was shown the pictures of prisoners laying like the haystacks in a room on their sick days – prisoners suffering from the typhus epidemic wearing old rags as clothes resting their wounds on torn shoes – some bleeding and others searching for piece of bread in their torn pockets – the person showing the pictures to the author tried having pity on the conditions in which they survived on which the author’s reaction was surprising when he said that these were the happiest times as we could rest, we could laze and not go out and work. So you see it is all about the perception – every thing can have two perspectives – you need to find the happier one, the positive one.
  • Another instance where he focuses on how the prisoners though in misery still had the humanity to think for the other one in the group.
  • Hope – was a huge thing that the prisoners of camp were motivated for survival of every day that passed. The times when they were taken from one camp to another rose their hopes to live a better life with lesser pain. The “hope” that one day they will be free helped them survive through the most brutal tortures. (every camp always had an option for prisoners to suicide by touching the electric wire but they still chose to live each day in dreams of freedom)
  • This is an extract from the book “I would like to mention a few similar surprises on how much we could endure: we were unable to clean our teeth, and yet, in spite of that and a severe vitamin deficiency, we had healthier gums than ever before. We had to wear the same shirts for half a year, until they had lost all appearance of being shirts. For days we were unable to wash, even partially, because of frozen water-pipes, and yet the sores and abrasions on hands which were dirty from work in the soil did not suppurate (that is, unless there was frostbite). Or for instance, a light sleeper, who used to be disturbed by the slightest noise in the next room, now found himself lying pressed against a comrade who snored loudly a few inches from his ear and yet slept quite soundly through the noise”

All I wanna point out through this blog is – The pandemic has 100s of negative effects but then it is we who are gonna pull ourselves out from this negativity. We can and have to stand up for our families, our friends, our colleagues!! It is gonna be tough each day to stand the scenes of people struggling for oxygen, relatives queing up to bury their near ones but then let us stand tougher against all this. Material help is provided to the country from every corner of the globe, but mental support has to be given by us – you need not have huge bank balance, all you need is a positive mind. If you only can pull your close circle from sinking into dark thoughts – you have done your part of the job! In no time the chain of smiles and hopes for healthier tomorrow will spread. 

We are comparatively in a better situation then the people who have survived the world wars, the concentration camps, the Vietnam War and our very own Indian freedom struggle. Back then it was physical torture which is beyond our imagination. Today all we have to do is simple things – wear a mask, avoid gatherings, stay home. We have Netflix, we have thousands of books online which are unread, we have our families with us unlike the wars where families were parted and all what people had was closed gas chambers to threaten them with their death.

Spread the word – stay home, stay safe and stay positive! Very soon there will be a new dawn of health and happiness!

5 By 5 Rule

What is 5 by 5 rule??

Best thing I did in the lockdown….

How much does it matter to when others give their opinion to you, how much do you keep thinking when others say something to you…? Definitely a lot. This is what I feel we are growing into

The 5-minute argument with our colleagues, parents, friends, partner, or anyone for that matter disturbs us the whole day.

Whyyyyyy???

So, here’s the solution to it. Its natural human tendency to keep thinking when others opinion doesn’t match with ours. But its okay right. You aren’t here to please everyone. there will be a difference of opinion when you do something new.

So, what is the 5by5 rule, all of you must be thinking about it till now

It is simple but will surely be a difficult one to inculcate. the more you start using it will seem easy one then

Are the arguments that you have with someone matter you in the next 5 years, if no then it simply doesn’t deserve your 5-minute attention and energy that you waste today. Quit worrying about things.

Lemme explain it to you with an example, let’s go backwards and think about life, what do you remember in the past, I bet it would be the most significant events and not everything. so, taking another example we recently build a new house and every day the contractor would come with some new reasons to not show up to our place and somehow avoid completing the construction. There was nothing we could do about it. The more we discussed in the house the huger they seemed to us. So, we finally just stopped discussing about them. Coz was that going to matter to me in the next five years, was it even worth wasting our energy onto it. That’s how easy it was. It really astonishes me how little a problem becomes when you start thinking with a perspective of the future

Of course, there are big things and tragedies that we can’t forget in a span of 5 minutes, but this rule is for the little things we stress upon almost every other day.

Definitely many of you might think I’m too small to speak up to all these things but why not learn these things at a tender age so that people don’t need to use the terms like depression, loneliness, anxiety much often.

I hope I impact lives of at least 5 and not many. And the rule stays with you forever, I’m sure it will work magical for you too.

You can check out the same in Video!!!

Be the light!

This is a series on “Protecting Mental Health” and every day you will have your dose of motivation to understand yourself and the people around you better.

Focus of today’s write up is “let us be there”

Every incidence has got a lesson and we need to learn from it! YES! We need to understand the reasons and remedies to it! Let us not be there for everyone – We have got specialized people for that, right? We have counsellors, we have psychologists, we have therapists its like we do have professionals to handle when things are beyond control.

What we can do is – let us just be there for people whom we cross our paths to. I am not asking you to be there at the cost of your own peace! Naa, not at all, but atleast we can make sure that our actions don’t hurt anyone. Our words don’t rip someone’s heart. It might happen that we aren’t in confirmation with the person sitting across the table, it might so happen that even after taking same efforts someone else has taken up a bigger promotion, it might happen that things just go upside down – but that gives us no right to start abusing or criticizing the other person. It was his share of success; it was his luck. It is okay to grow slow but it is not okay to grow at the cost of someone else’s unrest. You do not justify yourself when you sleep peacefully when someone else is facing inconvenience just because of you.

It is like the chain – you think for others, you be there for others and someone else returns it back to you! Life will get much simpler this way. We are all one community – we are all tied in knots of humanity. Let us be humans’ friends! Let us be there for every one and do our small bit to help the world be a better place to live in!

Tomorrow we will be learning as to “Why do we stress up?”

(You can always ping me on my Instagram (Aishwarya Jaju) to suggest topics or even reply back here in the comments or simply mail on – letsendthestigma1@gmail.com ! And if you find reading this helped you do share it!!)

Self Analysis

I was confused! I was self-analyzing my own steps and thoughts and decisions taken in the past! Was it because of the isolation in lock-down or was is it a result of a deep conversation!? Well the process was memorable to start from the pen and paper jotting down things and thinking over each of the word given as an advice to now where I could find path which can be walked well!

Writing down a few maybe it helps you as well!

  1. Every age has some rights and some obligations! – A deep line which if given a thought can cut your thinking and corresponding actions as sharp as sword the sword. When a student you have the right to ask for academic help but then you also have an obligation to produce results. In childhood if you have a right to be free of tensions and burdens you have an obligation to keep that childishness alive in you! You cannot skip the bar and mix two ages’ rights and obligations – because that’s the time where you create heavy blunders for your own future.

 

  1. Compromise is a compromise till you make it feel the same – If you think on the dilemmas or issues having solutions contradicting your wishes in a way to accept it whole heartedly with a mutual agreement it isn’t a compromise, instead it will be a promise to yourself to stay happy with decisions taken in self-interest!

 

  1. Thinking Substance over form – A language used probably in law has got a lot of relevance in real life as well! One cannot think about every scenario in a bookish manner. Like, if one thing is ideal in a specific way, it need not be the same in every circumstance, because the definition of ideal in every situation varies! Think more in substance then the formats.

 

  1. You cannot stay happy at cost of others cries –Though I always firmly believed in this, but it was highlighted again. Happiness is something that spreads, and how can you smile when the reason behind the smiles is a thousand tears and bad vibes. Rather it must be rule – that one should not build his own life, ruining 10 other people’s smiles. (I guess, Karma works here better)

 

  1. You cannot question your Parents! –The ones who walked with your small steps and held your fingers to make a better life at the cost of every sacrifice that was demanded by time – they cannot be wrong! Under them every problem finds its own solution. Rude at times but they are the only ones who will think for your benefit even if it takes a huge toll on them!